"With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and seventy."

"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

"A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure."

"If God lived on earth, people would break his windows."

"A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not."

"If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it."